GAPE — Galactic Access & Passage Exchange

WHY GAPE

Same SLA anxiety. Considerably more parsecs.

94.5%uptime — one whole nine, galaxy-wide

9destinations, none of them convenient

0known safety incidents reported in time

∞deny rules, applied to our own routers

THE MANIFEST

A full stack of patent-pending nonsense

Every product below is real, in the sense that we will bill you for it. Physics compliance is best-effort. Names are trademarked. Concepts are not, because several of them are not technically concepts.

Wormhole Peering™

NETWORKING

Private direct interconnect through a simulated wormhole. Physics-adjacent. Peering slots limited by the laws of physics, when we remember them.

$199.99 / minper traversal, one-way, allegedly

Vacuum Transit

LONG-HAUL BACKBONE

Backbone connectivity through the emptiest, cheapest medium available: nothing. Latency is mostly philosophical.

$89.99 / minper light-year, rounded up

Quantum Entanglement Link

QEL · ULTRA-LOW LATENCY

Two particles, perpetually correlated, occasionally on topic. Measured latency: −4ms, in a reference frame we invented for this purpose.

$349.99 / minper entangled pair, non-refundable

BFPSSL Secure Routing

SECURITY · ROUTING PROTOCOL

BGP and OSPF, fused into one Secure Socket Layer. Every route is denied by default, including routes to ourselves. We call this "hardened."

$24.99 / minper route evaluated, per regret

Interstellar Name Resolution

INR · DNS

Resolves planet names to coordinates. Usually. Uranus 😂 resolves last, purely out of professional courtesy.

$12.50 / minper lookup, per snicker

Orbital Edge Nodes

OEN · EDGE COMPUTE

Edge presence in low orbit, medium orbit, and "concerningly high" orbit. Compliance team has asked us to stop calling it that.

$59.99 / minper node, per orbit, per headache

Nebula Content Delivery Mesh

CDN

Delivers your content across an entire nebula. Arrival is not guaranteed to precede the heat death of said nebula.

$34.99 / minper edge, mostly theoretical

Gravitational Load Distribution

GLD · LOAD BALANCING

Uses actual gravity wells to distribute traffic evenly across your infrastructure. HR has, again, asked questions.

$44.44 / minper well, per complaint filed

Cloaked Transit Tunnel

CTT · VPN

Renders your traffic invisible to everyone, including you. Support cannot see your packets either. This is considered a feature.

$77.77 / minper tunnel, per trust fall

Helm Routing Console

MANAGED ROUTING

A single console for all your routing decisions, staffed around the clock by someone who mostly just wants to say "engage."

$19.99 / minper console session, per shout

GAPE Direct

DEDICATED INTERCONNECT

A dedicated physical(ish) link between two points in the cosmos. Distance is no object. The invoice is the object.

$149.99 / minper link, per parsec, per regret

Tachyon Burst Transfer

TBT · BULK DATA TRANSFER

Data arrives before it's sent. Billing has given up trying to reconcile this and now just charges you twice, to be safe.

$499.99 / minper burst, per paradox

SECURITY & ROUTING

Secured by BFPSSL. Watched by Kinda.

Every route on GAPE runs over BFPSSL — Border Gateway Protocol and Open Shortest Path First, fused into one Secure Socket Layer. It's not a real protocol. It's a better one, in spirit.

Every route is denied by default, including routes between our own routers.
Peering requests are evaluated, then declined, "for network integrity."
All traffic is monitored 24/7/365 (ish) by our independent SOC partner, Kinda. They're kind of watching. Kind of.
Incident response SLA: we'll get to it, eventually, from wherever we are.

MONITORED BY KINDA · sock.nz ↗

Illustration of bridge crew monitoring routing consoles

ROUTE MAP

Nine destinations. Zero convenient ones.

Every route originates from our Earth node and terminates somewhere you'll regret choosing. Pricing scales with distance, latency, and how funny the destination's name is.

Destination code	Location	Notes
EARTH-AKL	Earth (Auckland Node)	Origin point. Also where the invoices come from.
LUNA-1	The Moon	Closest neighbor, least impressive commute.
MARS-2	Mars	Red planet, redder invoice.
URANUS-😂	Uranus	Yes, we kept the emoji. No, we won't explain why.
PLUTO-9	Pluto	Still not a planet. Still billed as one.
ORION-BELT	Orion's Belt	Three stars, zero SLAs.
DS9	Deep Space 9	Technically a station. Technically still billed at planet rates.
LEO-SAT	Low Earth Orbit Satellite	Closest to home, least impressive.
KBO-1	Kuiper Belt Object 1	Further than Pluto, somehow still not "the edge."

CUSTOMER STORIES

Real routes. Deeply questionable reasons.

Every quote below is from a real GAPE customer, or someone stationed close enough to one.

“

We used Wormhole Peering to network two moons of Jupiter so a safety inspector on one could officially "review" a hazard on the other in real time, from 670 million kilometers away. Review complete. Hazard still there.

Cmdr. Priya Overengineer

Safety Compliance, Europa Extraction Corp

“

Our incident reporting officer is stationed on Pluto specifically so reports take 5.5 hours to arrive — comfortably outside every reporting deadline we're required to meet. This was, and remains, the entire strategy.

Trevor Instantiate

CTO, Loopwell Off-World

“

We routed our HR grievance system through Orion's Belt so complaints could be filed at three stars simultaneously, diluting responsibility by exactly a third per star. Legal signed off. We're not sure they read it.

Declan Idlecompute

Founder, Nullwork Orbital

“

We built a Wormhole Peering link between our Uranus 😂 node and our compliance department for the sole purpose of never having to say the word out loud in a meeting again. Productivity is up. Dignity is unclear.

Marguerite Fireproof

Head of InfoSec, Bunker & Bolt Orbital

“

Our supply chain now routes every coffee order through Deep Space 9, for a peering discount that does not exist and was never offered. Coffee arrives cold. Morale, somehow, is fine.

Ola Sunkendata

VP Data, Chiquitita Freight Co

“

We asked GAPE's Helm Routing Console to optimize our network. It replied "engage" and rerouted everything through Pluto. We have not corrected it. We're honestly a little afraid to.

Baxter Fourfour

COO, Encore Deep Space Analytics

Need somewhere to host all this?

GAPE handles getting your data across the gaping vastness of space and time. Our sister company, Docking, handles what happens once it lands: compute, storage, and a firewall that trusts absolutely no one — including you.

docking.co.nz — docking me, docking you, and everybody's fees.

Opening up new
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